Alone and Afraid
by silvermoongirl10
Summary: (A sort of prequel to my story 'Your own Shadows turn into Ghosts', based on something I mentioned in chapter 3.) It is time for Kili to go on a hunting trip alone, but Fili does not want him to go fearing something will go wrong. Unfortunately for Kili, Fili was right, and Kili does not know if he will be able to make it home.


Fili, from where he was sitting in one of the arm chairs by the fireplace, cast a subtle glance in his younger brother's direction. Seeing Kili still sat in his own chair across the other side of the room with his arms crossed in front of him looking angry, made Fili sigh. Despite being sixty Kili was still as head strong and stubborn as he had been when a dwarfling of five.

"I don't know what you're sighing about. You're not the one being told they have to stay home" snapped Kili as he glared at Fili.

"Kili" sighed Fili, "I am only thinking of your safety" as soon as he said the words Fili knew he shouldn't have said them. He could see the fuse he had lit in Kili's eyes, he braced himself for the explosion he knew was going to come.

"My _safety_?!" exploded Kili as he shot to his feet, his hands clenched into fists hanging at his side. "You're thinking of my _safety_?! I'm _sixty years old_ Fili! I excel with the bow and Uncle says my sword fighting skills are just as good! I can handle a simple overnight hunting trip _by myself_!"

Fili closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he rose to his feet, "I'm not doubting your fighting abilities Kili. All I am saying is that I don't think you should go on a hunting trip on your own. You're not ready for it yet"

For a moment Kili just stood gaping at him and then his eyes narrowed and his voice lowered dangerously, Fili almost found himself taking a step back. "Not ready? Not _ready_?! What is _that_ supposed to mean if you are not doubting my fighting abilities then brother?"

Fili's eyes widened as he saw how angry Kili was. It was known that if anyone provoked Kili enough his temper could rival the oldest of the Dwarves, and even surpass those Dwarves including Thorin himself. It was said even Dwalin backed off if he saw he was provoking the youngest Durin.

"Kili you have only ever been hunting with either Dwalin or I" said Fili carefully, he did not want to further anger Kili. He knew if he did then Kili would start an angry rant which might not end for a long time.

"I'm not asking to go on a week's hunting trip, not even a two night trip. _One night_ Fili! I think I can handle that" snapped Kili.

Fili paused for a moment knowing he had to choose his next words carefully. He knew if he made one wrong move then Kili would get it into his head that he could go, and it wasn't that Fili doubted his brother's abilities. No, he knew Kili was one of the best, if not _the_ best, hunter in all of the Blue Mountains. But Fili just had a bad feeling about Kili going hunting _that_ particular day. If Kili was planning on going in two days' time Fili would be just as excited as his brother knowing this was the next step in growing up. Going hunting on your own for the first time was like a rite of passage and Kili had been looking forward to this ever since Fili had gone out on his own five years before, and Fili knew this. But over the years Fili had come to trust his instinct when it came to looking out for his brother, and right now his instinct was telling him not to let Kili go.

"I am not saying you can't hunt on your own Kili, all I am saying is wait until Uncle and I return from our trip tomorrow so if anything goes wrong we are close at hand to help you" Fili smiled, thinking he had found a way to negotiate with his brother ending the argument peacefully. How wrong he was. The fire in Kili's brown eyes, if at all possible, seemed to grow stronger.

"Why should I?" demanded Kili, "I've planned this trip for _weeks_ and your trip was arranged two days ago! Why should I rearrange my plans just because you want me to wait for you?!"

Before Fili could respond the front door opened and Thorin stepped into the house, immediately he saw his two nephews bristling with frustration standing the room's width apart looking as if they were trying to stop themselves from lunging at their brother.

"What is going on?" Thorin demanded in a low voice. Hiding his confusion, it normally took a lot to have the brothers' stand against each other. Even then Thorin could count on one hand, and not use all his fingers, the number of times his nephews had fought against each other in real anger.

"Fili thinks I should wait a few days to go on my hunting trip, but even you have said I was ready" spat Kili not breaking his gaze away from Fili's.

Thorin nodded and then looked over at Fili indicating it was Fili's turn to speak.

"I just think Kili should wait until we are home in case something goes wrong" Fili softly commented, a direct contrast to Kili's angry tone.

Thorin hummed in thought and considered what each of his nephews had said, and debated how to end the situation peacefully. And before the boys' mother arrived home and saw her sons' almost on the brink of a fight. Dis hated seeing the boys' fight in true anger knowing how close they were and seeing their mother upset would only make the boys' feel worse. He knew Dis was at the market selling swords he had made, but there was a chance she could come home sooner than expected.

"Your brother does have a point Kili" Thorin finally said.

Fili looked over at Kili with a look that clearly said 'I told you so'. So Kili panicked and burst out, "It's not fair!"

"Life isn't fair Kili" responded Thorin levelly, "and if you continue to act in this way I will not let you go _at all_". Looking at Thorin's face Fili and Kili could see Thorin was not making an empty threat.

Fili gasped, he hadn't meant for this to happen! He only wanted Thorin to delay Kili's trip not prevent it all together. Fili looked over at his brother and had to use all of his self-control not to rush across the room to hug his brother. Kili looked as if he had been struck in the face, suddenly Kili's shoulders slumped and with a defeated look Kili turned away and began to walk to his and Fili's room. Thorin and Fili shot each other confused and surprised looks, they had never known Kili to give up that quickly.

"Kili" called Thorin, Kili halted at the doorway that led to hallway where the three sleeping quarters were. While Kili had stopped walking away he did not turn to face his Uncle or brother. Thorin walked over to Kili and slowly turned Kili to face him. "Little raven what has made you feel so defeated?" he questioned gently.

Fili remained where he was standing but could see the saddened look on his brother's face, and he hated that he was the cause for his brother's sadness.

Kili sighed and looked down at his feet. Thorin gently rested his hands on either side of Kili's face and lifted Kili's head. Sighing again Kili then said, "It's just…everyone my age has already completed their own hunting trips and…and I'm finding it hard talking to my friends because they are planning their third or _fourth_ solo hunting trip and I haven't even done _one_! I fear at this rate even _Gimli_ would have hunted on his own!"

Thorin chuckled, "I do not think you have to fear about Gimli hunting alone, something tells me it would be a miracle if that lad is ready by the time he reaches sixty" Fili smiled seeing Kili's spirits lifted, but Fili's heart sank at his Uncle's next words, "Alright you can go today"

"Thank you Uncle!" grinned Kili as he hugged Thorin tightly,

Thorin chuckled, "You'd best go get your pack then". Kili directed another wide grin at Thorin before he turned and ran into his and Fili's room. Thorin then turned to Fili, "Come we had best saddle the ponies for our trip"

Fili nodded in reply and followed Thorin into the stables, while his thoughts were racing. _No! Kili can't go! Not today! Something is going to go wrong and we won't be here to help him!_ But Fili did not voice his thoughts knowing what was done was done.

* * *

Thorin, Fili and Kili were leading their ponies away from the Market Place after bidding Dis goodbye. Once they on the edge of the town the three of them halted their ponies.

Thorin turned in his saddle and seriously said to Kili, "Keep safe and return in one piece that is all that I ask. It does not matter if you return empty handed, the currant weather has not allowed for good hunting. Just do not take any risks to try and catch something. Do you understand?" Kili nodded directly a small smile at his Uncle. Thorin nodded and patted Kili's shoulder, "Good. Well Good luck lad" and then Thorin moved away a little to give the brothers chance to say goodbye.

Kili smiled at Fili, already he had moved on from their argument, "Well see you tomorrow". Fili only nodded, Kili's smile faltered, "Fili?"

Fili sighed, "I don't like this Kili"

Kili's eyes narrowed, "What's that supposed to mean? I'll be fine, even Uncle thinks so and you have to go"

Fili shook his head, his worry slowly morphing into anger. "You are such a child! You have so much more to learn! You think you are ready for the world but you are _not_! You do not understand the risks involved in _anything_! You rush headfirst into everything not thinking about the consequences! How many times have I had to come and help you out of a dangerous situation?! You forget that one day when you grow up I will not catch you when you fall!" Fili then laughed mockingly, "Actually, perhaps this trip will do you some good! Perhaps it will teach you to think about your actions first instead of rushing into things and nearly getting yourself or others killed!"

Kili stared at Fili with a look of betrayal and hurt, before Kili masked these emotions, "Thank you for your thoughts. I hope I will not be a disappointment for you when I return" and then Kili kicked his pony Thistle on and cantered away from his brother.

"Kili wait! I didn't mean what I said! KILI!" yelled Fili, but his voice was lost in the wind.

Fili was startled when a hand gently squeezed his shoulder, Fili turned to see Thorin looking at him reassuringly. "He'll be alright Fili", Thorin then turned away and began cantering towards the next town. Before Fili followed his Uncle he looked back to where he saw Kili last and murmured, "I hope so Uncle. I truly hope so".

* * *

Kili woke up the next morning to Thistle nuzzling his hair. He had decided to camp at the edge of a clearing he often camped in with either Fili or Dwalin, he had slept under the shelter of the trees but close enough the clearing that he could see the sky with nothing blocking his view. There was a slight drizzle of rain but the trees he was under sheltered him well enough.

He lifted a hand and stroked his pony's muzzle. "Mornin' Thistle" he yawned. He smiled when Thistle nickered as if in response. Kili sat up and undid the clip in his hair to pull the fronts of his hair back into the clip. He looked at his pack beside him and smiled. He had managed to bring down a stag the night before, a stag that had ten points on its antlers. He looked forward to seeing everyone's faces, no one had brought down that big of a stag on their first solo hunting trip. Kili particularly couldn't wait to see the look on Fili's face. Looking up at the sky he was dismayed to see dark clouds forming, while the storm clouds had not reached him yet, Kili knew it was only a matter of time before he would be caught in the storm. He munched on some bread and an apple his Ma had given him, as he was about to start his second and last apple he saw Thistle looking between him and the apple. Kili smiled and rolled the apple to Thistle. The pony neighed appreciatively and instantly devoured the apple, Thistle then looked back at Kili hopefully.

"Sorry girl but that was the last one" chuckled Kili shaking his head. Thistle just heaved a big sigh sending Kili into a laughing fit. He soon stopped after Thistle had pushed him over. "Alright! No more laughing!" smiled Kili as he rose to his feet. Thistle snorted as if she approved of Kili's decision.

He looked back at the sky and debated on what would be the best plan of action, the storm looked as if it was forming faster than he had first thought. "Looks like we had best head back girl. I don't know about you but I don't want to be caught in the storm". He pulled his new cloak around his shoulders tighter. His Ma knowing of his planned hunting trip had come across a retired Ranger at the market who was selling things that would benefit anyone going hunting. Noting the cloaks were of good quality and the perfect colour for Kili to hide himself in the greenery of the woods, Dis had brought a cloak from the old Ranger along with a bowstring in case Kili's snapped while he was away. This was good thinking on Dis' part because as Kili released the arrow that took down the stag his bowstring had indeed snapped. Leaving his cheek red with a small cut.

As he attached the antlers to the saddle and began rolling up his bed roll he recalled something Fili had said to him yesterday. "_You do not understand the risks involved in anything!"_ Kili huffed and thought to himself _is that so? Well who, right now, has made the decision to go home instead of looking for any rabbits like I had planned to?_ Sometimes Kili got so angry with his brother, it was as if Fili didn't trust him enough to be a good warrior and hunter. And whenever Fili said something like he had done the day before, whether it be in anger or not, the words always cut deep. He shoved his bed roll into his pack with the wrapped meat of the stag and the carefully folded fur of the stag. When suddenly everything around Kili was plunged into almost darkness, and a loud crack of lightening lit up the sky quickly followed by a loud boom of thunder.

Thistle panicked and Kili grabbed the reigns but it was no use, Thistle was much stronger and pulled herself away and she galloped across the clearing before disappearing into the woods. Kili cried out as the reigns were pulled through his hands, leaving them red and sore. It felt as if he had received a rope burn. He squinted his eyes as despite being mid-morning it looked as if dusk had already fallen. As another boom of thunder sounded the drizzle of rain became a heavy downpour.

Sighing Kili carefully flung his pack and his quiver which held his bow and arrows onto his back mindful of his throbbing hands and followed Thistle. He was not overly concerned about Thistle, for she knew the way home no matter where they were. It was said Thistle was the pony version of Kili, with her great sense of direction, her dark brown coat, her temper, her endurance and her wild mane, which, like Kili's own hair, stuck out in all directions no matter how long you combed it.

By the time he reached the other side of the clearing, the hair that had been peeking out of his hood was plastered to his face. Because of the hair stuck to his face he found his eyesight was limited, a slipped on a patch of mud, but managed to catch himself on a tree. He hissed in pain as his hands protested the tight grip on the bark. As he walked the pain in his hands did not lessen, in fact it got worse. He gritted his teeth to stop himself moaning from the pain chastising himself for finding something like a rope burn so painful. He knew that soon he was going to come across the river that ran through the woods, and knowing that now he did not have to find a place for Thistle to cross he went straight ahead knowing he could now get home quicker.

He looked at his new cloak admiringly because how wet it was, it was keeping him dry and keeping the cold out. He knew he was going to have to thoroughly thank his Ma for it when he got home.

Soon he reached the river and he paused looking for somewhere he could cross. But looking at the usually slow moving river appearing to be possessed by the wind and the storm, he thought that perhaps he should find shelter and wait the storm out. So he turned towards an oak tree which looked as if it would be good shelter. Suddenly a cracking sound echoed in his ears drowning out all other sounds and he stood mesmerised as the oak tree seemed to be moving towards him. He looked down to see the roots of the oak tree appearing. Gasping he dived out of the way of the falling tree and covered his head. He remained still for a moment before he peeked his head out from under his arms to see the oak tree had made a bridge across the river. Hearing more cracking sounds as more trees began to fall, Kili made the decision that it was too dangerous to wait the storm out. He slowly and painfully rose to his feet. While his cloak may have kept him dry, his pack was unprotected and as it grew wetter and wetter, it became heaver and heaver. As he walked Kili could feel his pack strain on his shoulders, he wanted to stop and take a break. But knowing once he sat down he wouldn't get back up and he doubted he would be able to get his pack on his back with his sore hands. Also the falling trees were enough of an incentive to keep moving.

He reached the end of the tree and hauled himself onto the truck, he kneeled and clutched his hands to his chest hissing as the pain intensified. He tried to stand but found he couldn't, the weight of his pack had become too much.

"What do I do? What do I do?" muttered Kili as he racked his brain for a solution. A burst of wind threatened to push him off the tree and he found himself involuntarily call out, "Fili!"

"_You forget that one day when you grow up I will not catch you when you fall!"_ As Kili clung onto the trunk of the tree he remembered Fili's angry face. He then narrowed his eyes in determination and stiffly rose to his feet. He wasn't going to let anyone come find him clinging to a fallen tree like a scared little dwarfling. He wasn't going to fall, but if he did, he was going to show Fili that he didn't need anyone to catch him.

Slowly Kili edged along the trunk with his arms spread outwards to try and keep his balance. It worked until another burst of wind unbalanced him, if the trunk had not been slippery he would have remained standing. But the rain and moss combined worked against the young Durin. He began to fall backwards with his pack pulling down into the depths of the river.

Kili tried to keep his mouth shut, but as he plunged into the icy water he gasped from the shock. Spluttering he tried to pull himself to the surface, but his pack continued to pull him down. The river's currant spun him around and around. Kili then realized he did not know which way to swim to the surface. _What do I do? Which way is up? I can't breathe! I can't breathe! I'm going to drown! And no one will find me!_ As he began to feel hopeless and the darkness at the edge of his vision threatened to consume him he saw bubble rising and knew that was the way to the surface. Desperately he pulled himself through the water, gasping he broke the surface and gulped air in greedily. The darkness faded from his vision, with his waning strength Kili swam to the bank. But the river continued to work against him. Somehow, Kili was close enough to grab the long grass on the bank. As he felt the river try to pull him back under the adrenalin and panic gave him the needed strength and soon he was pulling himself onto the bank and out of the river.

Coughing he continued to suck in air as he clutched his throat. He almost closed his eyes and fell asleep but knew if he did he would never wake up again. So unsteadily he got to his feet, now he was completely soaked he felt the cold seep into his bones, his teeth began to chatter. He moved hair out of his face and spotted a landmark he knew. He was two miles from home. Slowly he began to move.

* * *

What felt like many hours later Kili's knees buckled and he sank down to the cold, sodden ground. The mud and grass squelched as his knees connected with the ground. Kili bent forward and clutched his chest, he was finding it hard to breath, he was so cold, his muscles ached and he was just so tired.

"I can't do it. I can't make it" wheezed Kili, he almost cried out of frustration and desperation, but he was too exhausted to even cry. He knew that when he was found, all his would-be-rescuers would find would be his cold body.

Blinking he looked up and again almost cried at the sight before him. It was home. He had unconsciously taken the path that ended at the back of his home. This brought new hope and with it new strength. He gasped as he got to his feet.

"Come on you can do it. You're almost there. Come _on_!" Kili willed his feet to move faster and willed himself to keep walking.

He reached the back of the house, thankfully he leaned on the wet, cold stone and slowly using his hands made his way around the house. His hands no longer hurt, they were too numb to feel any pain. As he past the closed shutters that covered the kitchen window he could hear his Ma humming, which made him smile a little. Soon he reached the front door and with the little strength he had left he pushed open the door.

"Kili is that you?" called Dis,

Kili opened his mouth to reply but all that came out was a croaky hiss.

"Kili?" Dis came to stand in front of her youngest and gasped. Kili was pale, his dark hair stuck to his face, he was shivering, his hands were red indicating he had hurt them, he had cuts across all of his face (some of which were still bleeding) and his shoulders were slumped telling Dis his pack was too heavy for him. Since Thistle had come galloping back on her own three hours ago Dis had been baking and humming trying to keep her mind of worrying, telling herself Kili was fine he just would be taking longer without Thistle. She had been wrong not to worry. "Kili?"

Kili opened his mouth to reply, but instead his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he collapsed in a heap on the floor.

"Kili!" screeched Dis. She rushed forward and pried Kili's pack of his back, she gasped at how heavy it was, she wondered how Kili had managed to carry this all the way home. She pushed the front door opened and called out "DWALIN!"

The dwarf came running and upon seeing Kili lying on the ground he picked Kili up and carried him to his room. After laying Kili on his bed he left the lad in Dis' capable hands as he ran to fetch Oin.

* * *

Fili jumped out of his saddle and sprinted towards the house. Three hours ago Bofur had come galloping to the next town and hurriedly explained to Fili and Thorin that Thistle had returned rider less and Kili had not been nearby. Dwalin had been waiting for them at the edge of town and said Kili had returned but was now suffering a raging fever and Oin was not certain if he would live.

Fili burst into the house took off his cloak and boots and then ran to his room, upon entering he saw Kili deathly pale, but his cheeks slightly red from the fever, lying still on his bed.

Dis looked up and gave Fili a reassuring smile and raised an arm beckoning him over to her. As Fili neared he sat on the edge of the bed and could see Kili's hands were bandaged and he had small cuts all over his face.

"What happened to him?" Fili choked out, not taking his eyes off his brother.

"Other than he seems to have suffered rope burns on his hands, we don't know" replied Dis softly, as she pressed a wet cloth on Kili's forehead. "I was in the kitchen and I heard him come in. I went to the front door and then he just collapsed in a heap. He was exhausted, I could see it clear as day. I think at one point he might even have given up hope of returning home"

"What?" gasped Fili looking at his Ma in shock. "That can't be true! Ma you _know_ Kili never gives up on _anything_!"

Dis brought Fili to her for a tight comforting hug, "I'm sorry Fili. But if you saw your brother as he stepped through the door you would see how utterly exhausted he was. I think…whatever has happened to him almost took him from us"

"No" moaned Fili, he refused to believe he had come so close to losing his brother. Thorin then entered the room, and seeing that Kili was still with them he gently kissed Kili's brow before he left the room. Dis followed him knowing Fili could care for his brother.

Fili, still sat on the edge of the bed, went to take Kili's hand but remembering the bandages he instead grasped Kili's wrist. "Oh Kili what happened to you?" but there was no reply. Fili then eased himself so he was lying on the bed and moved Kili so that his younger brother was leaning against him. Kili felt cold to the touch so Fili rubbed his brother's arms in an attempt to bring warmth back to his brother.

* * *

It had been three days and, much to Fili's relief, Kili's fever was going down. Throughout the three days Fili refused to leave his brother and spent most of his time lying on the bed beside Kili. He always held Kili close to him afraid that if he let go this would have all been a dream and Kili would not have returned home. While Kili had been in his fever induced sleep he had dreamt, or had nightmares, of his hunting trip. Fili managed to piece the snippets of what Kili was saying together, he learnt his younger brother had fallen into the river and almost drowned. No one could understand how Kili had managed to pull himself out with his heavy pack, with the meat and his quiver with his bow and arrows. Thorin had lifted Kili's pack and had been surprised at the weight, and marvelled that Kili could carry it the distance he had. Kili had informed their Uncle where he was going to camp should anyone need to come and find him. The distance and almost drowning, with taking down a stag on his first solo hunting trip had turned Kili into quite the hero in town.

Fili was running his fingers through Kili's hair when he remembered the last thing Kili had said to him.

"_I hope I will not be a disappointment for you when I return"_

Fili leaned over so he was resting his forehead against Kili's. "Oh Kili you could _never_ disappoint me. You always make me feel so proud, and seeing the antlers and fur of the stag you killed has made me burst with pride for you. I know Uncle feels the same way, in fact the whole _town_ feels the same way"

Fili remained in the same position for a few minutes, Kili's constant steady breaths soothing him. As he pulled away Kili groaned. Fili paused and silently hoped Kili would open his eyes. Kili did not disappoint his brother.

"Fi…li" croaked Kili, blinking up at his brother.

"I'm here Kili" whispered Fili as he ran his fingers through Kili's hair again. Kili seemed to sense that Fili wanted to know what happened, and so with his hoarse voice Kili told his brother what had happened to him.

"I was so afraid and so alone" Kili hoarsely moaned.

Fili with his free hand grasped Kili's wrist, "Remember this brother. No matter where you are and no matter if no one is standing beside you. You will _never_ be alone for I will _always_ be with you"

Kili smiled up at Fili brightly, Fili hugged Kili tightly knowing how close he had really come to losing Kili, and he was saddened to learn that their Ma was right. Kili had almost given up, he thanked whoever had made Kili look up to see their house.

Kili then turned his head and on the dresser he noticed a small stag carved out of wood that had ten points on its antlers, "What's that?"

Fili looked up and smiled, "Bofur made it for you. He, like the rest of the town, was so impressed with the antlers you had tied to your saddle. Bofur thought you should have something else to remember your first hunt on your own. Although I don't know how much you would really want to remember"

Kili paused for a moment and then replied, "All of it" at Fili's surprised look Kili continued, "The trip showed me that I could fend for myself and I can cope with any situation that arises. And also…"

"What?" prompted Fili shaking Kili a little to get his brother to finish his thought.

"It also showed me that if I fall. I can catch myself" finished Kili not meeting Fili's gaze.

Fili sighed, knowing this went back to what he had said and so he wanted to show Kili how he really felt. "I shouldn't have said that to you Kili"

"No you should have!" interrupted Kili, "I have to be able to look after myself!"

"Yes" admitted Fili nodding at Kili, "But you also have to have someone to help you, like Dwalin helps Uncle. What I am trying to say brother, is that if you should fall. I will _always_ be there to catch you"

"You're the best older brother ever" commented Kili as he rested his head against Fili, hugging his brother and closed his eyes to sleep.

"And you are the best younger brother ever" replied Fili softly. He then kissed Kili's brow and then closed his eyes to also sleep. Knowing that all was well, his brother was alive and safe, and they had made up and were together and just as inseparable as always.

**The End.**


End file.
